Yeah. Weird week this one. This is really getting personal. Better not say too much.
Here's something positive - my doctoral visits are moving towards me getting a diagnosis. I almost don't know how to begin to explain what this means to me, it puts my whole life into a new perspective. My mind says you should be worried about this diagnose, but it lets me relax. I find it easier for me to understand my past behaviour, and also how I can relate to the me of today. Actually, there are ways to be fully rehabilitated from this disorder they say, and I'm starting treatment sometime in December. Thanks doc. Already seeing betterment. Looking forward to becoming fully healthy again.
So a few days ago I came into contact with drugs. As I momentarily happened to be in a weak state of mind, thoughts naturally wandered towards "hey let's take the opportunity and alleviate these feelings".. and just the way I've mentally trained myself to do, I took a step back, slowed myself down, and thought it through. Carefully weighed pros and cons. Came to the wise conclusion that I'd rather be in my natural state of mind, and that in order to be able to understand myself throughout a day, a month, a year, my life, I'll always rather do this than to get drunk or high or whatever. All my natural feelings are much more important. I want a clear understanding of the world. I need this where I'm going. I have this set for the rest of my life and I'm a hundred days in now.. about twenty thousand to go!
Got the dentists appointment switched for some regular ole drilling instead of pulling a whole new tooth out. I'm saving that one for a sunny day!
Looks like I'm going to be in class again next week. I've signed up for a light introduction to permaculture design and two other small courses, one in pickling and one about dirt/earth/soil/whatsitcalled(?). It feels good to start studying again and especially things which I'm deeply interested in. As I've had some spare time to myself for a while now, I'm very happy to start learning with others again.
Also went ahead and travelled to meet my mother. She's sweet and caring and I just love her ^ ^
And I met with new people. Amongst them the third person to hit on me in a very short period of time. I should be happy and I kind of am happy that someone likes me this way.. but.. I'm interested in making new friends and not lovers. What's the actual deal here? Sometimes I find this hard. Am I giving away some sort of signals? Am I being unclear about my intentions? Maybe I need to be more pronounced in what I want..
Anyways, I'm going for pancakes this breakfast. Rye. Thinking seriously of becoming vegetarian. Maybe I should start this today. I've no plans anyway, except for maybe a movie with moms.
Let's do this!