Last week was meant to study for exams. But I deeply felt the need for something else. Not a lot of art but.. as I've said, during the last few years I've been going through changes and I'm very happy for having fought my way through a lot of things. Life has changed for the better.
Although I'm very happy for a lot of things, like going back to school to reshape the bad experience I had about that as a child, learning more about nature and meeting new people, I've also been contemplating during the last two-three months whether or not I should put myself on sick-leave.
It might sound weird. University just started.. I have now learned to handle advanced studies and being in a classroom full of people pretty well.. but I also need to take a step back for the sake of my own health. As I said in an earlier post I have been running through hurdles and at times before it has brought me to downright destructive patterns. I've pushed myself, fed my perfectionist a lot and raced to make changes that have been hard on me, my relations and my body. First and foremost there needs to be better structures, and a better order of things inside and around me. These things I can see now, and I can see that I need to stop racing. And change the things I need in order to be successful in my studies.
As I grew up I had the unfortunate luck of falling into bad company. There were really idiotic structures relating to the way we socialized which has given me a distrusting and untrue view of peoples general intentions. I thought a lot of things about people that were counterproductive until a few years ago when I started to understand what good and true friends really are. But I kept using drugs in order to see myself in a light that I wanted to, that wasn't true. And what's probably worst is I've been trying to rely completely on myself to make changes in my life. When sometimes getting help from others is good.
So the short list is, my body needs good nutrition and to get time away from stress, that's prio number one. My teeth are half-fixed by now and they will be fully done before this years end. I need to find friends in the closer vincinity that are drug-free and interested in what I am, nature studies and art and just relaxed being, and I need to find my former positive memories and build on remembering them. And also to understand some of the negative things better so I won't fall over them in the future.. and I need to read up on biology, because that ain't gonna happen a lot during tech-university but it will be central to a lot of my future studies.
Now I know I need to take care of myself. Four-five years back I got to the point where I hardly saw a meaning to life and pretty much wanted to just die. I've come an enormously long way since then which makes me confident I can go a lot further with myself and my dreams. This year will be the year I let my body come into a relaxed sense of being. I've been almost burned out a few times and I'd like to avoid that happening ever again. I want a year to do only the things that I've needed to do, purely for myself, that I've needed for a long time now. I'd like to meet other people who are in the relaxed sense of being, as I have now found myself in, and I know this will make for a good restart in life. I want to write, and paint, and also make music and learn an instrument. It's been hard to come to this decision. But it feels so worth it and for the first time in a long time I feel that I can give this to myself. That I've earned it after a long struggle.
I talked to my doc about it during the week and we're going to meet in a few days again to discuss it further.
Some people would say that this is a set-back but I know that for me it is a step forward. A big step since I've been telling myself that I'm not worthy of it for a long time, and instead tried to be self-sustaining when I actually couldn't manage to be that. The risk of continuing on the stressful path that I've been on for the few last years is that I grow old and bitter without slowing down to reflect on life.
I also know what I want to study now. But I'll post about that some other time. This is getting long enough as it is
What really makes me happy now is that my skin is becoming beautiful again. And I've been going to a few meetings with transition towns during the last two weeks, and it's been really interesting and fun to learn about what is happening in the town I live in and about permaculture design. More fun than mathematics haha. There is a course coming up for achieving a Permaculture Design Certificate and I'm thinking I might just take that If I can.. if I'm not going to wait for spring. And I've also checked with our student-ward that I still will have the possibility to study what I'm set out to (just need to up my HP/SAT with 0.15 pts during the coming two years which will be no problem). As for the exams, my teachers say I'll be good for passing them, but that's just barely. Engineering, you will have to wait for now. I'm taking care of my other sides first!
Oh by the way, I met the forest-man two more times to help him understand Swedish bureaucracy during this week. He's really not interested in a job it seems, but he wants to know more about the laws here, and he might want a shower.. some day!